“It”

“how i can get to know it im [name]”

…know what???

Brand Power

Someone today simply sent me his name. As if it spoke for itself. “I don’t need to flirt, I don’t need to charm you, I don’t need to make a comment about how much we have in common and how I was compelled to reach out to you. Simply my name, a common, everyday name, shall be enough to make you fall madly in love with me.”

It’s not, by the way. Unless you’ve got a really killer name. Which you, random online dater, didn’t have, sadly.

I hate online dating.

I have been back at this for ONE DAY, team. ONE DAY.

This was a first message, not someone I’d built up a rapport with during a previous effort. (He is “B”, I am “V”)

(5:20:43 pm)B:hello

(5:35:27 pm)V:hey 🙂

(5:35:40 pm)B:how’s it goin?

(5:36:15 pm)V:all right, disappointed that the weekend’s almost over – you?

(5:36:35 pm)B:excited, i have a lot going this week, starting tonight

(5:37:49 pm)V:oh yeah, like what?

(5:37:58 pm)B:flogging workshop tonight

(5:38:22 pm)B:rope bondage performance saturday, so I’m doing some practice work monday and wednesday

(5:39:47 pm)B:and i’m pretty sure i have a big event friday too

(5:40:01 pm)B:…scare you off?

(5:40:56 pm)V:no, but it’s not really my thing. Have fun with that, though 🙂

What is the thought process here? I get wanting to get your kinks out in the open right away to see if they’re reciprocated, but if that’s all you’re looking for, there are other venues full of people who just want to talk about their kinks. In fact, they’re probably at that workshop you’re headed to. I’d rather you at least take me to dinner first. Baaaaaaaah.

Adventures

For the record, my profile does mention that I like “adventures”. But this wasn’t quite what I had in mind…

I would travel across the world in a hot air balloon powered up with Oprah Winfrey’s blubber just so I can eat a bowl of cheerios with you over a morse code device.

Automobile lust

“In 1952 The German produce a ground breaking new Mercedes Sports car called the Gull wing. It revolutionizes the industry. In 1962 the American Corporation Chrysler deveolpes The first rally car. In 1972 English car manafacturer Jaguar releases the XJS turbo pushing the boundaries of automobile making to its limit. In 1982 the Dodge Stealth r/t is released as the best high performance automobile for the money in the history of the auto industry. In 1992 Canada got a Windmill. But we still dont have any wind.”

What does this have to do with dating? This is not flirtatious in any way. Nor is it interesting to me, and I don’t mention cars anywhere in my profile. Is the windmill part supposed to be funny? By the end, I was too perplexed to laugh.

The Return of Abraham

I decided to log back into my online profiles briefly, to see what messages I’d missed while I’d (briefly) been blissfully attached. I unearthed the following gem, sent by my old friend Abraham.

Beginning this Sunday, I am going to try my best to develop a structured spiritual routine for each and every Sunday from now on. Sunday, along with the guidelines I have set for myself will now be named The Sacred Seventh. The day will be dedicated to spiritual practice, ritual, the cultivation of wise action and the shedding of unwise habits. My last meal will be consumed Saturday evening and… I will return to eating Monday morning, providing me with a period of fasting equivalent to about 36 hours. The majority of time will be spent practicing zazen and engaging in simple household tasks in an attempt to promote stronger mental awareness during everyday living. Music and computer use will be kept to a minumum, while television and book reading will be eliminated completely. During periods of vigorous meditation, it’s wise to avoid intensive periods of reading – doing so only when necessary. Vigorous reading can often deter awareness and cause unwanted mental fog to accumulate in the mind, negatively affecting Zen practice. Any and all drugs including caffiene will be avoided. I am determined to make this challenge a reality beginning this weekend. The first annual Sacred Seventh has coincidentally landed on Jan. 1. The year 2012 will immediately give way to positive spiritual changes and the elimination of negative attachments.

Good for you, hun….but I spent most of New Year’s Day slightly hungover and sleepy, like the rest of the non-cyborg world.

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

For someone who didn’t really start dating until her mid-twenties, I’ve already acquired quite an impressive array of Ways To Be Dumped:

– in a long-distance phone call, stating that he’s going back to his ex-girlfriend
– in a text message involving the word “’twas” (that was really just his avoidance of a second date, but it was still memorable)
– by the other person simply falling off the of earth with no further contact (I can’t even count how many have chosen this tactic)
– a “let’s just be friends” chat on my doorstep at 1 am on a Sunday after what I had read as a good date. He was chatting, I was yelling.

And now by email on what was pseudo-scientifically the saddest day of the year.

Onwards and upwards…right?