Less than delicious

Subject: mmmmmm

Content:
the things id do with you, mmmmmm

Here’s the thing about this message – when is this appropriate as a first message?! This is not an uncommon occurrence on these sits, so I want to take a quick opportunity to chastise/school people. Boys, this is not okay. I don’t care how light of a relationship you or the person you are messaging is looking for. It’s not complimentary, it’s creepy. Flirting is about being subtle, for crying out loud! And no, this particular guy can’t even use alcohol as an excuse for this message. Or at least, he shouldn’t be. I just received this message. At 3 p.m. On a Monday. So boys, please have the decency to preface this type of message with a “hello”, at the VERY LEAST. No one wants to have to tell a story at their wedding that involves the time their self-esteem was low enough that they answered a message titled “mmmmmm”. I’m not a pie. Thank you.

“They’re playing our song.”

Occasionally, good things come of online dating. For instance, someone messaged me this morning and suggested a band to me based on my listed musical interests. As it turns out, this band is fabulous, and it would seem I have a new favourite band. So thank you, kind internet stranger with a keen taste in music. Thank you.

Premature Rejection

I’ve been exchanging emails with someone for about two weeks. He’s well-travelled and amusing, we seemed to be hitting it off. I’m usually the first to suggest a meetup, preferably after about 3 -4 messages. Stick to messages for much longer than that and expectations begin to build, which are often dashed as soon as you see your potential “paramour” in the flesh. But as this assertive nature of mine has been resulting in failure lately, I backed off and decided to wait for this one to suggest our meetup. He finally did so this weekend, and I readily agreed. We set a date for Thursday, and exchanged our email exchanges for texts instead, which seemed to be going well. Note this means that we have now been communicating for three weeks. 

Until this text came in a few minutes ago. 

I hope u appreciate my honesty. I don’t feel I’ve establish enough connection to meet up. Good luck with pof.

Isn’t the meetup where you establish said connection? Have I been going about this all wrong over the last few years? Should I be ignoring all messages that clearly aren’t from “the one”? Geez louise. 

Sidenote: Anyone want to go to Screemers on Thursday? I was so looking forward to it!

Time Traveller

Subject: my lil sushi roll

Content:

I come from the future and we live a Wonderful life. i wasn’t supposed to Message you, but i wanted to see if you still cared..

There are so many problems with the tenses in this. Still cared? In the past? What the I don’t even…

That Da Vinci, always taking credit for Michelangelo’s work

This is a bit of an oldie, from towards the end of the summer, but it’s a classic. 

Subject: (none)

Content:

Hey there,

I read your profile and here’s what I think.If you are Juliet.. I am Romeo .If your Monalisa I am the Michelangelo.I am easy going as the free flowing salt from a salt container.And I am one who can add spice to your food and may be life and when you would read a restaurant menu you will see me as two chilies.By the way did I say you that I m very family oriented.Meet me I am Brian griffin from “family guy”.

Now getting into details which may sometimes be boring ,I am a 9-5 er having graduated from U of T last year and work in a telecom firm.Within the city, I enjoy trying out new restaurants ,visiting Art galleries and Kensington or st Lawrence market or sipping beer at distillery District.I am equally comfortable playing board games with my friends,having an intellectual conversation over a cup of coffee,sitting back and enjoying a movie or reading a good book.Biking and rock climbing also keeps me busy.Otherwise I am an average guy trying to be jack of all trades.

I like your profile because you seem to be an open minded and fun person.Therefore I would like to date you.I don’t know your matching criteria but I thought it worth to send you a message.

cheers

Online dating lesson, boys – those last two paragraphs? Absolutely acceptable. That first one? She’s reaching for the phone to share the hilarity with her friends by the word “Romeo”. 

Sorry, my folks warned me away from cyborgs…

Subject: Hi 

Content:

Greetings Earthling!

Good evening and how do you do? My given name is K****, but please refer to me as Abraham: The Demonic Cyborg. I am a 300 year old werewolf who is under demonic possession.

If you’re in need of any more info, please enquire within.

Don’t date on drugs.

Line breaks were his, I’ve added nothing.

Subject: Monkeys dancing through the walls

Content:

on a radio station daze.

la la la la la la la la la la la

Oh…. Yeah… the profile…

Scary…

 

Poet

Subject: Hi
Content:

?Girls are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don’t want to reach
for the good ones because they
r afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren’t as good,
but easy. So the apples up top think
something wrong with them when in
reality they’re amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who’s
brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree

i like ur caT

Beginnings

I am possibly addicted to online dating.

No, really. I’ve had profiles on multiple sites for years. I hid my profiles for a grand total of one month just this past summer, when I thought I had landed myself in a an honest-to-goodness relationship for once…but when it (inevitably) ended, I immediately re-downloaded the apps and re-activated my profiles and started anew. I receive messages that swing from sweet and subtle to gung-ho and gregarious, hitting all points in between.

Yes, it often ends in no more than disappointment. But I have always been a storyteller, and there’s little better fodder for a good story than a hilariously  bad experience. Thus, world, I share my stories with you. The bad messages, the awkward silences, the parents’-basement-dwellers of Toronto who list “sales” as their profession but really work at HMV. I know many of you have had similarly bad experiences, possibly with a lot of the same men. Grab a hot chocolate, settle in, and let’s have a laugh about it instead of that cry you were thinking of having later.